Progress With Meditation

I've recently reached a point where I can better observe my mind in action. It is difficult to explain in words but it seems significant. There are points during the day that I become embarrassed for different reasons but I can now sort of observe this happening with the mindset of "oh, there it is again." Previously, I would have become enveloped in the embarrassment and that would have been my state of mind. But now I am to a certain degree insulated from it. Of course this does not encapsulate the subtleties of the experience but it points in the right direction. It is not a pleasant experience necessarily but is certainly more pleasant than experiencing embarrassment. More as it develops...

Addendum:

I've been mulling a specific example of the embarrassment I have been experiencing lately. I have been reading a book entitled "The Joy of Living" by Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche. The book is a basic instruction on Buddhist meditation as well as the philosophy and science related to the practice. I typically read this book on the train going to and from work. The cover of the book has a picture of the author dressed in his Buddhist monk robes. Recently I have become aware that I tend to hide the cover from the other people on the train by holding the book such that the picture is facing the floor or my body. The impulse to do this is strong. Now, when I observe myself doing this, my intellectual response is "there's no need to do that because there's no reason to be embarrassed about it." Yet I do it just the same. Upon further reflection, I think the reason behind my impulse is something along the lines of the other people on the train will see the picture of the monk and me reading the book and have one of several reactions. One reaction could be that they will see me, a Westerner, reading a book about Eastern philosophy and disapprove or think I was some "New Ager". Another reaction might be that they would see me reading the book and question my sincerity or say to themselves what right do I have to reach for enlightenment? Another reaction might be that I am somehow trying to impress others by my eclectic choice of reading material (this is their thought I am describing - actually it is my perception of their thoughts - Yeesh). Of course, on their face, these thoughts are ridiculous. I am perfectly entitled to read what ever I want and there is nothing so terrible about other people being aware of it. Unfortunately, the urge remains regardless of whether I am intellectually aware of it or am observing it in a meditative state. The interesting thought is that I am reading a book on meditation and meditating on my ego associations related to reading it in front of others. (At least I thought that was interesting.) :)

Interview With A Friend on Confidence

I've been thinking about confidence as it relates to the issues I tend to want to discuss on this blog. Yesterday the idea struck me to interview my friend who embodies confidence. I had initially planned on asking one question with several follow ups, however, his answer to my first question was uniquely powerful in and of itself. In my mind it stands on its own and is fodder for further contemplation and exposition. Here is the interview:

LENTMAN : You've always struck me as a confident person who is able to maintain a sense of self worth even in situations that are not familiar to you. Is this an accurate assessment of your state of mind? If not, please explain why not? If yes, please tell me what you attribute this to?

FRIEND : Yes, I would say that is an accurate assessment of my state of mind. It's difficult to point to something as the direct cause of this way of being. I assume my parents had something to do with it- building within me a feeling that everything was okay and that I always had choices about the details, both big picture and day-to-day, of my life. My mother praised me a lot and always celebrated the things I was good at. My dad has a "so what" type of attitude about the world- he does what he wants to do and other people just need to deal with it. I see those things in myself.

I remember laughing a lot as a kid. I remember feeling like I owned the school I went to because during the day I had to follow the teachers' rules and then when the bell rang, they all went home- I continued to play there on the school playground. It was then that I rode the merry-go-round in the middle(!), I climbed the apple trees, ate the apples, climbed onto the roof of the school. This stands out as a formative dynamic- I saw the temporary and context-based nature of authority.

I remember in middle school one of the older kids picked on me all the time. I hated it. My brother suggested I "find him alone and beat the crap out of him." It scared me, but I felt like it was good advice. A few days later I was in a stairway during a class with no one around. I saw the older boy. He gave me a demeaning look and started to say something when I walked straight up to him, ready to do as my brother advised. He got a scared look in his eyes and he bolted out of there. I still feel proud of myself about that.

I think I've done a good job recognizing what I enjoy doing, what I'm good at, about what I want my life to be and working towards that. When I'm down, I can usually remember that I like myself, that I generally have a good time existing as a human on the planet earth, and that I have something to offer the world. These things help to build within me a core of confidence.

It makes me think about recently quitting my job... It was difficult work, made more unpleasant by the challenging social dynamics, and I rarely felt successful. I became unhappy. I didn't exercise, I was gaining weight, I was stressed out in the evenings, all night long, and on the weekends. I kept thinking about how if I just gave it the time I needed to learn it, then I'd be okay. And then enough things came to a head where it seemed like it was just too much. One of the chief things I felt was embarrassment about failing. Then I kept coming around to a feeling of "Fuck that. This sucks. I'm outta here." I remember remembering that I was actually good at some things, that a lot of people like me, and that I've been very successful in some settings.