Day Twelve - Reaching Out

Today is the second Sunday in Lent.  Although I have made it through two weekends (almost) remaining sober I feel somehow that I have lost my initial fervor for the Lenten process.  It's not that I want to drink because strangely that part has not been a struggle.  I thought not drinking would bring me more benefit than it has.  True, I am not depressed and my mood is more stable.  But I was hoping for some kind of epiphany which has not yet happened.  I feel tired all the time but more than that, I'm not happy.  I'm not sad either, but I am not happy.  So I must look back at the act of not drinking (interesting) and perhaps see that it is opening a door that drinking had shut.  But further action is required.  It is not enough simply to stop drinking.  I must now commit to action.  I must now walk through the door.  

Two things come to mind.  First, I am not happy with myself (again, which is not to say that I am sad with myself).  The things that make me happy with myself are things that make me feel like I have accomplished something.  They are also things that make me feel like I am reaching out to others (something that I have found increasingly more difficult as I've gotten older).  In my mind when I feel good about myself, then I feel entitled to reach out to others because then I have something of value to offer them.  By contrast, when I feel bad about myself I tend to retreat within.  This creates a negative feedback loop whereby the more I retreat within the less opportunity I have to accomplish and reach out.  The chain must be broken and it makes sense that not drinking is a logical first step because drinking has two effects that reinforce withdrawl.  First it has the short term effect of making the self comfortable with the present situation.  Because the present situation is not pleasant when not drinking I then crave the feeling that drinking provides and so I go back to it.  Second, drinking has the longer term effect of causing depression, supressing drive and creativity and negatively impacting health.  All of these effects reinforce the feeling of negative self worth.

So then, ceasing drinking has to be the first step.  I have done that and will continue to do that at least for the rest of Lent.  But now I must look for ways to reach out.  I must reach out both to myself through meditation, prayer, writing etc. and making full use of any time to myself I might have.  But I must do this in a way that is non judgemental or punishing.  I have spent a lifetime punishing myself for God knows what.  I need to let go of that tendency.  I must learn to like myself again.  And I must reach out to others.  I recognize that my impulse is to resist reaching out to others and so I must recognize this impulse when it happens for what it is and then take action to work past it.

--GJC

Adendum - A thoght occurred to me that the reason I began my drinking career in the first place was to reach out to others. In my younger days I suffered from tremendous social anxiety. As a result I was withdrawn and gave people a negative vibe (I suppose) which at worst invited ridicule and bullying and at best made people feel uneasy or allowed them to overlook me. I was always able to entertain those that I felt close to but meeting new people and getting them to like me was always a challenge. Alcohol, however, freed me up socially and allowed me to be comfortable around people I did not know. This worked brilliantly for a while. However, since that time the experience has degraded. I think there are a lot of nuances to consider here, but one take home message is that I need to learn to reach out in the absence of alcohol. Until I can learn to do that the struggle will continue.