Day Seven - Milestones

Day Seven - one week down. This makes me think about milestones in relation to Lent. When I say "one week down" this suggests that Lent is an endurance test and that if only I can get to the end I can return to my old ways. But the liberating part of Lent is that it provides an opportunity to release myself from my old ways and I wanted to be released from them for a reason. So perhaps thinking of Lent in terms of milestones is counter productive. Or maybe it is a question of emphasis. Perhaps some milestone marking can be fun but making Lent entirely about milestones misses the point. That point being, Lent is substantially about self reflection and self reflection requires the mind to be in the moment. When I focus on milestones I necessarily take myself out of the moment and focus on that future moment when I will be released. I suppose there is a place for that but really the only time that exists is the present and I should at least be mindful that the present takes precedence over milestones during Lent.

---GJC

Day Six - You Can Lead a Horse to Water...

I'm feeling good about making it through the first weekend. Actually I really have not been tempted in anyway so far and enjoying the sobriety. I had some gastrointestinal issues last week that seemed to have almost completely resolved so I believe I am over the first hump of my body adjusting to the new routine.

I've been thinking about the following statement, "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink." Morpheus in the Matrix gives Neo a similar instruction, "I can only show you the door. You have to walk through it" (or something like that). I've been thinking about this idea within the context of a dialogue I've been having with an acquaintance of mine who made the transition from Roman Catholicism to Evangelicalism. I have discussed with him some of the problems I've been having in my life and he has suggested that I talk to a "Christian" (i.e., evangelical) counselor. I expressed some misgivings and he made the statement "you can lead a horse to water..." Now, the way I initially interpreted this statement is that the horse is too ignorant to drink the water. But after thinking about this for a while I have come to a new interpretation. It's not that the horse is ignorant necessarily but that the horse does not know if the water is in fact water. Perhaps it is poison. I am beginning to see that all of the struggles in my life tend to boil down to one common denominator - for whatever reason I subordinate my own wants and needs to those of others. There is a sense that I am not entitled to enjoy the fruits of life that everyone else is. One result of this mindset is that I have a strong motivation to look good in the eyes of others and to avoid looking bad. When I perceive that I look bad it has historically hit me hard. So now back to the horse at the water. I want to make sure that I really want to drink the water because I know it is good for me and not to drink it because I think that the person who has led me to the water would want that.

--GJC

Day Three

I woke up today feeling angry. Last night I was stressed out about the economy and the way the country feels like it is going out of control. On the one hand, there have been lots of scares like Y2K and others that have been hyped up as the end of the world, but on the other hand just because it has not happened in my lifetime does not mean that another Great Depression or cataclysmic event bringing forth a new and horrible dark age is out of the question. Those things have happened before. So at the onset there is need for balance. The out come of our politicians' efforts might be fantastic or abominable but will most likely fall somewhere in between. But really, all this is out of my control. I can do some small things to prepare myself. I can go to work every day and hope my job is there for me tomorrow so that I might sustain this "life" I have built around myself. What then? What is it that I must do to get from here to there where the grass is greener. Normally, alcohol would have nicely buried all this and perhaps a little not worrying about it is a good thing - just not in a manner that carries along with it so many unwanted side effects. So what then? It seems to be an issue of control or a feeling of lack of control. Prayer comes to mind as an option, but what should I pray for? Should I pray that some outside force comes and rescues me - that the cup passes my lips? Maybe I should pray that I, myself, have the wisdom to see the correct path and the strength to make the right decisions and act on them. Perhaps I should embrace the cup - this new cup filled with that which makes me stronger.

--GJC

Day Two - One Day of Sobriety Under My Belt

The cup has passed. Today is the first day in a long time that I can say - yesterday I did not drink alcohol. Usually after a long stretch of drinking consistently when I cut down I can feel my anxiety increase. Perhaps it is a chemical side effect of withdrawal. Perhaps it has more to do with no longer insulating myself from the issues that distress me in my life. Well, so far I am fine. I do not feel anxious. This begs the question, what is different in my life now that I do not feel anxious? I don't have the answer, but I do have a sense that things are being set right. Last night I did feel a little anxious. Along with that anxiety came irritability and annoyance with the people in my life. But then I went alone to the church service and had the ashes put on my forehead. Interestingly, after the service the anxiety was relieved. I think my issues with others might have more to do with myself than I have previously seen.

--GJC

Rising from Ash Wednesday

I was as excited for today as I've been in a while.  Tied one on last night to get my money's worth and spent the day feeling relieved - relieved that I wasn't going to be doing that again for a while.  Booze will be there when this period of Lent is over.  I'm hopeful that I will thrive in the coming days and weeks.  I don't want to be unrealistic or set myself up for failure, but I know I am capable of more than I am currently producing.  It certainly can't hurt.  I'm hopeful.

--TMD

Day One - Ash Wednesday

Thank God it is Ash Wednesday. It would be easy to feel anxious about how bad it has gotten leading up to this point and how bad it might get without my usual crutches. However, I will keep in mind that the supports are distractions from the truth and as such are invisible prisons. There is truth to the statement "The truth will set you free." Conversely, the non-truth will imprison you. So let the truth begin. The second component to this is to approach the truth with a non judgemental attitude. Being judgemental adds a second layer to perception. It is one step removed from actual experience. I find that these additional steps bring forth anxiety which is probably the most powerful distraction next to severe pain. So, I will now wake up and open my eyes and see what there is to see without judgement. It is what it is and I will let it be that way.

-- GJC

My Lent

I am more excited about quitting drinking for Lent this year more than any other in the past.  I think part of it is that I have more in my life at the moment between school and my new jobs.  I moderated my drinking a few weeks ago and felt so good and was so productive.  I'm not sure why I drink so much normally, but suspect that for as much of it as is conscious, there is a lot that isn't.  I mean I may be doing it as much out of laziness or habit than anything else.

This Lent I will stop drinking (although I am predicting a need for absolution on March 7th for my mom's 60th birthday).  

I will study and learn the Adobe Creative Suite and Maya.

Happy Fat Tuesday!